Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
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I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
My dad’s son is like a brother to me.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.