Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now

Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat

So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.

I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.

Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.

My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it

Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.

Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested

Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.

Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅

so this horse walks into a bar

One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.

“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”

— No squirrel ever.

Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.

[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sex

fibonacci: absolutely not

[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right

One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?

Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?

Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.

Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.

Monday

Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.

The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?

[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming

If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.

Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)

Twitter

Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”

I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.

Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:

– Tweezers

[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]

customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too

me: he’s not on the menu