Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
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a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
If the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything else:
Stamps: Lickie Stickies
Defibrillators: Hearty Starty
Pregnancy Test: Maybe Baby
Lamp: Lighty Brighty
no show does a misunderstanding/miscommunication plot better than modern family does 😭
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”