Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.

A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”

My boss looking around carefully before addressing the new student: There is no such thing…
*Looks around again*
As a stupid question

Me from under the desk: DOES A DRUNK CRAB WALK FORWARD?!

Boss: GODDAMIT!

My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party

She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered

I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree

I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)

weddings should have a worst man

ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it

King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again

King (drunk af): let the horses try

Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework

Me: -holds up yellow

Me: What color is this?

4: McDonalds

The end

Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”

Guy: “It’s completely full.”

Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”

#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem

Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.

Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.

Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.

Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”

*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?

What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ghoulash.

And…

…am I doing this joke thing right?

I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.

This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.

Cop: Why are you speeding?

Me: I’m super late for work

Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down

Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work

Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy

*hides recorder in box*

*puts box in safe*

*locks safe*

*digs 50-foot hole*

*throws safe in*

*covers hole*

[5 minutes later]

9yo: *playing recorder*

What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:

10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)

[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”

my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast

If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.

[starbucks]

One tall iced latte please

“Ok, can I have a name?”

Well ok but it really should come from your parents

I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.

Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.

Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.