Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
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Lol.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
Taiwanese Parliament member reportedly stole a bill and ran away with it to stop it from being passed
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
(True)
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
