Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
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[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
That’s “Mr. Human Scum” to you, buddy.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”