Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
You Might Also Like
Just a phase…
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
An ice cream truck has rolled past my house three times and it’s honestly starting to feel like profiling
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.