Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…

Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.

My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy

Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about

Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.

Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.

going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need

2020: The Year In Review

Everyone: No

HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?

HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven

HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?

HER: pizza rolls

HIM: What about—

HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.

[God making sausages]

Angel: What’s next?

God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing

*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*

Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?

I can’t be the only person who thinks the presidential debate should be performed as a rap battle.

*Smashes the Sony

*Destroys the Panasonic

*Pummels the Kenwood

*Rips apart the Pioneer

~breaking all stereotypes

[Looking out the window]

Me: I don’t understand this show.

Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.

Not sure why someone would throw this gum in the urinal. It’s not even hard yet

Here’s a fun activity you can do with your kids on rainy days when they have too much energy:

Go shopping at Target and leave them at home with their dad.

What I say: hold on with two hands

What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none

A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.

Just walked up at the movies and the box-office lady looks at me and goes “lemme guess, one for Furiosa?” like wtf, come on bro. Also yes, one for Furiosa.

I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.

*slams table

WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG

shark: *smirking* no hablo inglés

Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.

A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.

Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?

4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full

Me: are you sure…

4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!

Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…

4yo: Can I have a snack?

Me: 🧐

If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send

I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.

Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?

Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!

3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!