Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
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A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
The fall of Netflix
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT