Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
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My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
hacker: i know your social security number
me: that makes one of us
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
WestJet is cancelling flights ahead of the long weekend due to a strike notice. Said Air Canada “pffft, they’re giving a REASON? Amateurs”.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.