Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
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[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
My son called someone a rascal. I thought he turned 11 a couple weeks ago but clearly it was 80
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no