Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
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[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
i dont have time for this
