Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
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I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
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We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
Feel. He’s so soft.
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Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
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I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot