Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
You Might Also Like
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
I love being outside, just not when it’s too cold or too hot or too wet or too windy or if there are bugs
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
when someone says they don’t like reading books, im like cool, you do you psycho
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
google ai LOVES to step in when it sees “vs” and will try its hardest to compare whatever you throw at it
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows