Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
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Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: i call my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud