Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary

Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”

Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.

Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉

Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily

You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…

Yeah, well I ate her.

The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.

Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.

My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”

“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”

– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious

Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it

Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.

*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer

I asked my Gramma which walker she preferred to use.

She said Johnnie.

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.

Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations

a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering

Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.

If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store

If you know, you know 😂🚔

Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations

Every episode of Kitchen Nightmares Gordon Ramsay is like “have a clean restaurant and serve fresh food” and the owners are like “oh shit we never thought of that”

Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.

People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.

Always stretch before playing billiards or you might pool a muscle

My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.

5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?

Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.

5: Because Mom is scary?

Bingo.

Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM

Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever

Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.

Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?

Swallow: *Blushes*

“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.