Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
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[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
Got ya covered
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
nooOOO now I have to dunk my phone in water!!!
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
Care for your back
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Still a very good boi….