Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
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*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
[shakes fist at other fist]
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
Happy #NationalCrocDay to all the lovers and haters.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
