Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine

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There are gravy trains and boats. I wonder what gravy did to get on a no-fly list.


Hand me the Phillips screwdriver, babe. No, the Phillips. NO. Ok look, hand me the thing you stabbed me with on New Year’s. Thanks pumpkin!


[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent


Him: Boo!

Me: Did you just call me your Boo?

Him: I was scaring you!

Me: Mission accomplished. *backs away*


The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.


It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice