Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@librarianfonz

There are gravy trains and boats. I wonder what gravy did to get on a no-fly list.

@ImmorallyFixate

Hand me the Phillips screwdriver, babe. No, the Phillips. NO. Ok look, hand me the thing you stabbed me with on New Year’s. Thanks pumpkin!

@neiltyson

Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.

@fizzlestothetop

Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.

@murrman5

[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent

@Shock_Monster

Him: Boo!

Me: Did you just call me your Boo?

Him: I was scaring you!

Me: Mission accomplished. *backs away*

@Cheeseboy22

The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.

@Chhapiness

It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice

@TheFarSide_ish

#thefarside