Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
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Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
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