There are gravy trains and boats. I wonder what gravy did to get on a no-fly list.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
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Hand me the Phillips screwdriver, babe. No, the Phillips. NO. Ok look, hand me the thing you stabbed me with on New Year’s. Thanks pumpkin!
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
Me: Did you just call me your Boo?
Him: I was scaring you!
Me: Mission accomplished. *backs away*
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice