Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
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When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?