Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
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None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
can someone please help me, i’m still at the fyre festival
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face