Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
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The opposite of Iceland is water water
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
lot going on here, legally speaking.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
I believe that’s the month between Septempril and Novembruary.
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Body by cheese-puffs.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
*an investigator at the site of a airline crash recovers an undamaged toad the wet sprocket cd*
{shaking his head} they shoulda’ made the whole plane out of these