Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.

If you’re alone on Thanksgiving, venmo me $25 and I’ll call and ask you when are you gonna get a “real” job and give me grandchildren.

I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.

[ funeral ]

me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands

her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping

“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses

*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.

Me: Hi.

Girl: No.

*3am

Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.

Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!

My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.

HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?

ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.

When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?

When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend

*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*

“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”

me: let’s circle back around and touch base

baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it

[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*

I’m writing a story about a guy who goes searching for parts to build a bookcase. It’s a journey of shelf discovery.

…No, YOU shut up.

My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.

Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.

Them: What is wrong with you?

Me: How much time do you have?

Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign

Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes

As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.

*slams a five on the counter*

“Bartender! Give me another!”

*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*

With Laughter the L comes first, the rest comes aughter

If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you

Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake

Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable prices

Cons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press

Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.

[laying on the office couch]

Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”

Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”

oh my god