Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.

I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars

me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth

[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?

I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.

GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing

*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*

GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!

No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.

marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.

me: goo goo gah gah

marriage counselor: no.

Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.

It’s science.

I made a grown man cry today in court.

But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.

If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.

Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.

WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait

[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]

11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep

me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster

gf: you know you could have just taken a photo

A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺

[first day in the army]

me: hi I like your slacks

him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants

me: ok but I also like your blouse

Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.

My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.

My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today

Our power went out and it’s utterly humiliating how many times I tried to turn on the light so that I could find the flashlights because the power was out

A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏

If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously

Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.

the fridge is too full so now i’m stuck here drinking all the wine

I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back

I wish it worked on everyone

can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in

Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.

You make me want to be a better home and garden.

[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.