Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
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Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
Voter fraud started when I lost People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive in 1997.
*tries to suppress yawn in meeting*
eyes: *water*
*looks like I’m crying in meeting*
me: yeah this is better
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.