Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week

I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.

My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.

They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl

per my last wtf

Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:

1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.

Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.

Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.

Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.

Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.

I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped

My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.

Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.

Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree

In the original ancient Greek Olympic games, many of the athletes competed naked. It made the trampoline a lot of fun, the men’s hurdles not so much.

went fishing caught a bass

I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.

My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.

So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.

[first day in prison]

me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open

guard: what

I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.

The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’

Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.

me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why

Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.

interviewer: why did you leave your last job

me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops

Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but you

Me: Girl, quit while you’re ahead

hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it

Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.

If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?

Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.

[Budapest airport]

IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?

ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.

I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.

My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.

Me: I really can’t stay

Him: Baby it’s cold outside

Me: I’ve got to go away

Him: Baby it’s cold outside

Me: Just let me go!

Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?