Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
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the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in