Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
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I want a girlfriend so hot that people walking down the street know that I am funny
How actors in movies eat their food
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
*looks at recipe prep time: 10 minutes*
*two hours later*
Me: LIAR!
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
them: our youngest is 73 months.
me: what’s that in human people years
Your honor, I was only doing a facepalm and his face got in the way of my face.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
Please do it!
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?