Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!

Me: Why?

Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead

If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five

Whoever’s responsible for the Microsoft outage is getting fired anyway, so the smart thing to do would be knock Teams out for the day too and leave a hero.

If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.

My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal

[Police Line up]

Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off

Me:

what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night

*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.

COP: do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*

[3 years later]

COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…

me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?

Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75

Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.

genie: you have three wishes

me: make firemen ugly

genie: you got it

me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well

genie: ok

me: take the big ladder off their truck

genie: dude what’s your problem

Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”

RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go

My physician didn’t find this amusing…

What do you call a veterinarian who’s only good enough to treat one species? A Doctor.

I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.

the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials

Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.

T: You need a break
M: Yes.

T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?

T: Hell no.

[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..

*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”

First person to eat a banana: this is not good

First person to peel a banana: dude guess what

A dating app for angry people- Grumble

Note to self: placing a cup to capture the coffee coming out of the coffee maker makes for a better start to the morning..

[first day as a botany professor]

me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?

student: to reproduce?

me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically

Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.

I’m embedded with a mall-walking group. Tomorrow, we’re splitting a Cinnabon eight ways.

My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona

diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan

When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie

Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.