Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
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The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
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It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
girls literally only want one thing..
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.