imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
You Might Also Like
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
overheard someone asking my wife how we met, and she replied “he was a fancy wooden horse to my Troy” and on one hand: that’s beautiful, but on the other hand: 😕
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
I just watched a documentary about beavers.
Best dam show I’ve ever seen
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.