Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”

I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.

[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.

Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.

Date: I’m looking for security

Me: I double knot my shoelaces

Date: but also excitement

Me: together

Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.

Meal prep ✔️

If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.

Boss: You’re late.

Me: Only in this time zone.

Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.

Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.

I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food

[first day as producer]

superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME

me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*

Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?

Friend: My oven.

Friend: Let’s get a table outside

Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?

Try a grape in the produce section and it’s ok but try a leg of rotisserie chicken and you get escorted out of the store

If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.

I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?

Ad placement of the day

#ooh

HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*

I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.

[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.

Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.

Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?

Me: Does sex count as exercise?

Dr: Yes.

Me: No.

If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.

Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of Netflix

Me: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead

Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”

Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”

Cop: …

How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?

My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.

Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.

If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?

Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”

Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”

the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”