Imagine my voice. Wrong. More velociraptor.
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[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
There’s a rhyming Italian expression for saying “take it or leave it” that goes o mangi questa minestra o salti dalla finestra. It means “either eat this soup or throw yourself out the window”
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
Are you a cat person or a person person?
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea