Imagine my voice. Wrong. More velociraptor.
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What do you call a laughing motorcycle?
Yamahahahahahahahahaha
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
been hearing a lot of friends say they’re planning on avoiding the internet tomorrow. not me! it’s gonna be christmas morning for hall of fame bad posts on here. we’re talking takes so bafflingly stupid we can’t even imagine. and i need them all beamed directly into my brain.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
Dietest Coke
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
one thing I never see discussed in the remote vs office debate is the ability to have sex with my wife who also wfh during the day. much easier while the kids at school and huge boon for my productivity. not sure how to explain to my boss who wants me at the office more
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
Tonight I wanted to stop drinking but then I rememberd the owner of the pub has a family to feed