Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
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Everyone thinks they’re brave right up until a goose starts chasing them.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
My 8yo ran inside and scooped up a huge handful of halloween candy to sell to the neighbor kids, and when I told him to just give them out, responded with: they can have the first one free, then they have to pay
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
The fact that we don’t hear the words “free quote” and burst into laughter always amazes me. You aren’t going to charge me to tell me what you’ll charge me? Calm down, Karl Marx.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
those beautiful naked women have made a compelling argument i’m going to steer this ship into the rocks
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
I might give this a try 😏
there should be a tented fingers emoji. for when you’re feeling ruminative
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
[on my way back to the posting caves]
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]