Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
You Might Also Like
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
*Passing a note to a co-worker* can you trip me when I walk by so I have to go home? Circle yes or no.
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
Welcome to your 40’s, or as I call it “Two Leonardo DiCaprio Girlfriends”
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.