Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
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Thoughts
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
I feel like the “how to” book of my life was written in braille…and that shortly after I became an adult, someone clipped off my fingertips with pruning shears.
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
Thinking about Jeff
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
Every damn time