Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.

Voter fraud started when I lost People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive in 1997.

Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.

I’m sure we could imagine what it’s like to be conjoined twins if we put our heads together.

Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!

Me: Nothing in the second?

Her: No, I skipped a period.

Me:

Her:

Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about

Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?

[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has

me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight

judas: hey man want to come out to last supper

jesus: what?

judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free

Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?

Kids: Cars

Me: And…

Kids: Wine moms

I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.

“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”

Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?

I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.

I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.

*buys everyone a drink*

No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries

catch me on valentine’s day like

BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?

ROBHURT: yeh

HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.

ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.

Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.

Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.

Me: No one asked you.

Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”

Me: “To see if I can read minds?”

Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.

Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??

From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??

There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.

saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert

I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.

colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000

[god creating seahorses]

angel: any more ideas for animals?

god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim

My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?

My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.

They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.

I now have what I like to call “my cake.”

Her: I like long walks on the beach.

Me: Is there WiFi?

Her: Where?

Me: The beach.

Her: What?…No.

Me: We should see other people.