Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face

I can’t explain it, but the new work coffee machine is making the coffee sarcastically.

shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever

I hate being bipolar it’s awesome

I’m an avid indoorsman.

Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?

Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.

A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.

Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.

A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.

No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.

My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about

I hope google does well on my son’s test

I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.

I wish I were a Jedi.

I don’t want to use the Force or anything.

I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.

Ways to get ants out of your house:

1) Ant traps

2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow

3) Set house on fire

Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩

What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?

A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.

#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes

I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.

Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.

What I said: it’s bedtime

What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime

Romeo: I lost my cow

Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?

30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.

wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed

Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.

There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will

At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.

If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.

If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:

– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito

You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.

In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.

Sure like to know that story

Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things