Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys

Waiter: pumpkin pie?

Me: ok, …. darling

<thud>

*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop

We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.

“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair

if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that

I’m forming a Wham! cover band with 3 other bald guys called Hairless Whisper.

*Makes a meal plan for the week*

*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*

GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high five

ME: he bought some dirt

GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok

ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself

I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…

I hope everything is ok.

Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank

Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts

Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be

Why procrastinate today

When you could procrastinate tomorrow

Get this comic as a limited edition art print, signed by both artists, printed on archival Bamboo Giclée paper from Hahnemühle.

texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points

It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said

Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?

Her: well it does now

I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.

Stay here and watch people argue or log out and listen to my family argue? Decisions, decisions

I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.

My father must be spinning in his grave, and not just because of that spinning device I had built into his coffin

If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.

I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!

Sober me: I hate drunk people

Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT

I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.

Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.

[taking my date for a walk in the woods]

HER: this sure is a dense forest

ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell

MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch

MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying

Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.

Her: What if there’s lightning?

Me: Then you get to be on top…

Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.