Imagine people magazine putting you in their sexiest man alive issue and everybody response is no….. omg
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I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
if we’re bringing back satanic panic can we do a throwback to 80’s grocery prices too
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
I ran into one of my students at the grocery store with some wine in my cart and he said “that’s because of us isn’t it?”
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
Nice try, poison.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
Omg 🤣
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it