imagine playing truth or dare and they dare you to go home
You Might Also Like
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms