Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help

Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.

Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.

I trust that will be the end of that.

<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?

Me: no

I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving

I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.

I miss getting my misinformation from less places

I punch in 70 seconds on my microwave and it corrects me to 1:10. We’re like an old married couple

shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way

one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭

the short answer to this question

When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy

We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.

Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.

DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!

[girlfriend in a coma]

*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?

I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.

Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”

Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”

Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.

doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection

me: are there any steps I can take

doctor: not after I’m done

I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.

I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available

You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol

“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”

“Just ignore him, sweetie.”

It’s okay to run away from the cops if you’re shy

Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:

Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer

LEGO Chewables

Nicotine Patch Dolls

Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House

“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?

Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy

“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers

unfortunately thanks to anesthesia we’ll never know if internal organs can be ticklish

He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…

*puts on sunglasses*

In the dust.