imagine playing truth or dare and they dare you to go home
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I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
List of things my kids wanna talk about at bedtime
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
