imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
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No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
My coworker Fred got caught with an underaged girl and nobody laughed when I called him “The Fredator”
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
Wife: any ideas for dinner this week and don’t you dare say hot dogs
Me:
Wife:
Me: frankfurters
*me, drinking my morning coffee in my slippers* I really need to wash some mugs
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
Next time I feel incompetent at my job, I hope I remember that someone once pushed a live software update that crashed half the planet.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
Girl, are you a dangerous OSHA work place violation because you have FINE written all over you