Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.

I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.

what’s this 9 year gap in your resume?
Me: oh that? someone bought me a Rubik’s cube

I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit

Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.

don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness

Customer: Can someone else serve us?

Me:?

C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.

M: Satan wants their tiny souls.

Critic: I don’t like your work

Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work

idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page

me: [stroller shopping] how much for this one

clerk: do you have a baby

me: would you accept cash instead

*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.

The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months

[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out

why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas

I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.

If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!

I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.

Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.

Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.

I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.

I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.

Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.

I love comics. Bank robbers will wear a full ski mask, but super heroes will wear a tiny domino mask that barely covers any of their face.

“If crooks discover my identity, they’ll kill me or kidnap my family. I have an idea! I’ll hide the bridge of my nose with this pore strip!”

Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.

wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!

me: omg u think im pretty?

*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*

During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.

who will stop them

Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.