imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
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Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
23. the denim jacket
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.