@Shen_the_Bird

imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck

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@AlexRogaski

*Runs across campus to get to class on time*

Whew! I made it!

*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*

@causticbob

Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.

@Fire_Badger

how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”

@UncleDuke1969

Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.

@jctwritesstuff

Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.

@ledbettercarly

How my mom and I watch Hallmark movies:

“Look at his/her stupid face”
“This plot is so dumb”
“This snow is so fake”

End of the movie: both sobbing

@mattewe02

me: this is bullshit you offered me over $400,000

boss: yeah I think we should go over what a 401k actually is

@pilau

Nelly: it’s getting hot in here

me: no it’s not

Nelly: [taking off all his clothes] it is

me: you have a fever

@FatherWithTwins

Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.

I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?

bus driver: can’t but thanks