imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
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4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
when someone rings the doorbell
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
OKAY DAD
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.