Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
Before Fatboy Slim was an international DJ he was a chef for William the Conqueror.
He was a Norman Cook.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
pitching a sitcom where all the top people running a major city have been arrested and by chain of command the person in charge is now a librarian
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Grateful for independence mostly because British food is gross
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
Dear Lord..
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
