Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
LOL
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
Microsoft word: “I’ll do anything to enhance your writing and editing experience, just ask”
Me: “I’d like to add comments to footnotes”
Microsoft word: “eat shit!”
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
