Imagine sex with me – no, more hot dogs
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God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies