Imagine sex with me – no, more hot dogs
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Wanna know how to make your own beer? Just pour root beer into a square glass.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
I started to call my friend “bro” but decided mid-word to switch to “dude” so it came out as “boo” and there’s just no recovering from that
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
noooooo don’t hurt yourself
let me do it
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
I need to know the brand of toothbrush my neighbor has. I hear it buzzing sometimes an hour at a time and she’s clearly enjoying it
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
People must think I’m a comforting presence because I often hear “Security!” wherever I go.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.