imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
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I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
Duolingo should have an “I’m going on holiday to this place very soon” setting so it teaches you “can I have the bill” and so on instead of “the cow boils an egg”
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Labreador
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.