imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
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[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
I got patted down by airport security.
Apparently, I am not supposed to reciprocate.
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
When libraries troll their patrons.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
returning to work after a holiday weekend like
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
Tornadoes are the most relaxing things in the news.