imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
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Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
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-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers