imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
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“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
Promising I won’t tell anyone your secret doesn’t include my husband. He’s basically my diary.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
This seat is reserved for pregnant people and fans of Cabaret
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
*hands doctor a pee sample*
“Here you go doctor, you said I needed to do a urine test”
DOCTOR: “No, I said a hearing test”
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?