imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
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Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
stopped in at my local wine shop to grab a bottle and was told that on a normal Tuesday they would be at $1500 in sales but they’re already around $10k lmao
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
Grateful for independence mostly because British food is gross
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
When I was a kid I assumed all Christmas songs were about Jesus because that was all I was exposed to so everytime I heard Last Christmas I was like…why would Jesus do that
Shark week, but for squirrels.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI show up drunk on Fridays and sexually harass my coworkers