Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.

[Waffle House interview]

Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”

Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”

Manager:“When can you start?”

Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.

[at a football game]

my kid: can i get a giant foam finger

me: no

my kid: why not

me: because you already ate three of them at halftime

Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”

I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing

Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]

If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.

The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.

Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere

Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’

Saying “let me show you how it’s done”

– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killer

Saying “this is how we do it”

– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck

-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.

I’ve never seen anything sadder than me in a black cape under the salon lights with wet hair parted incorrectly by a solid inch

RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”

Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.

10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’

person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???

I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.

I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore

I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby

Not now pee, I’m sleeping.

Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets

ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!

MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.

Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.

if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out

a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread

127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can

Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.

Why is it that everything in my fridge eventually goes to waist?