Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
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[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
Put a ring on it
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
❤️❤️❤️
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder