Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
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God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
A classic…
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
People who point out today is the longest day of the year sure as shit don’t have a 7 year old
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
Does anyone know if it’s possible to buy the transcripts of audiobooks? Thanks
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
Its a hippotatomus
never let them know your next move: signal left, then turn right
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?