Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
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Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
I’m dying louder than usual today.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
3yo: I have counted my shoes. One, two.
Me: That’s right. For your two feet.
3yo: 😠 I want to have three feet.
Me: Buddy. Nobody has three feet.
3yo: YES THEY DO
Me: Where have you ever seen someone with three feet?
3yo, who has never been out of the country: IN 😤 ENGLAND 😤
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!