Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
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Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster