Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.

I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.

Poetry is my passion

lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose

God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell

lucifer: what?

Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce

Why is my purse so heavy?

*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit

People are usually shocked that I have a Police record.

I don’t know why. They made pretty good music.

If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.

Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.

I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”

Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.

Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.

Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.

I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)

Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:

Please stop.

Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.

Love,
M

*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*

ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!

ROBOT: [flies out of window]

ME: Why did I add a propeller

Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY

I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.

Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.

Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.

I went to the dentist to get a crown put in. Told the hygienist I was there for my coronation. Then apologized for being the several hundredth person to say that. She said I was the first!

The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.

Stonehenge is vulnerable to vandalism because it’s too easily accessible. If our ancestors had possessed any common sense they wouldn’t have built an important monument so close to a major road like the A303.

Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.

Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.

went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time

me after i passed that state trooper

My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]

Niece: do you have a friend?

Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.