Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
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Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
The plant app says that I either watered my plant too much or not enough. Where is that Goldilocks chick when I need her?
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha