Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
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Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
my favorite kind of post right now is the reply that goes “i do not believe that a politician, of all people, would say one thing publicly and another thing privately”
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
😂 amazing answer
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
I tried to speak French one time, accidentally swallowed like 6 words
[wedding vows]
Me: I vow to make sure you see the brake lights ahead of us.
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy