Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
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When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
Her: come on over
Me: can’t. I’m sitting here pondering the meaning of the universe
Her: but I’m alone
Me: aren’t we all
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Hopefully, on paid administrative leave.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
My 13yo’s school supply list had “Trapper Keeper” on it. I thought I was going to have to time travel back to the 80s to grab one until I saw Target had already done that for me and had a few on their shelf.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
set yourself free xox
me: I’m eating a new piece of cheese every day
them: is it for an advent calendar
me: no