Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too

Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair

Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart

Have kids so when they do the dishes there’s still a sink full of dirty dishes.

MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.

Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate

me: this meeting couldve been an email

me when I get an email: I’m not reading that

If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.

Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.

gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*

I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….

*checks notes*

…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?

Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school

I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.

[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]

Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”

Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.

Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage

Billion dollar technology idea:

A printer that works

Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.

me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now

devil: done! wait, what the h-

me: no takebacksies

devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit

If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.

it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos

The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.

What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?

Once on Rosh Hashanah when I was 14 or 15, I took a red potato & cut it perfectly to look like an apple slice, dipped it in honey & then gave it to my little sister. She has still not forgiven me or forgotten.

Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.

I won every single event.

Every. Single. Event.

Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.

My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.

I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.

For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.

Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.

Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.