Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.

I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.

*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*

Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils

A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.

FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.

My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.

(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”

What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.

“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”

i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”

parenting is not for the faint of heart

*Passing a note to a co-worker* can you trip me when I walk by so I have to go home? Circle yes or no.

“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.

Wife: Have you seen my razor?

Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not

Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.

Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.

PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.

TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.

ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.

“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises

There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.

Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.

hello I’m britain’s greatest spy and my catchphrase is I tell you my real surname then my real forename then my real surname again in case you missed it

Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.

Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?

I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.

How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?

[God creating the octopus]

Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.

Teamwork makes the dream work.

When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher

When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”

The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.