Imagine the excruciating discomfort of having nothing to say to a child and choosing to compliment it on its gait. I myself don’t have to imagine.
You Might Also Like
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Trying to transition into becoming a hat guy but want to make it seem natural so I’m wearing a very tiny hat and will wear a slightly larger one every day until I’m just wearing a normal hat.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
Something in my kitchen is beeping quietly 3 times every minute. I can’t find it and it’s driving me crazy. My husband wouldn’t even hear it with his hearing aids in. I’ve never been more jealous of hearing loss.
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?