Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me : I have changed my mind.

Wife : Hope the new one is working.

Wife: Can you make the bed

Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon

Me: This milk tastes funny

Lactating clown: Thank you

[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol

When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”

Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.

*Coats body in coffee grains

*Waits for osmosis to occur

I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.

My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids

Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY

Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.

OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.

I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life

I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.

I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.

one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along

[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that

“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”

[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?

Smile Twitter, Smile.

me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects

my bed: [chuckles darkly]

My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.

I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.

You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.

When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate

one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire

You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.

My attitude hurts, I’m going to bed

The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.