Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
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being human is disgusting sometimes but i don’t think i’d want to be a fish
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
Going to start referring to my contacts as “eyebuds”
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
Re-Morse code.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! 2026 will be my year!!!
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
