Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
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Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing