Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
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Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.