Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
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Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
That’s amazing.
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
Anyone under 6ft 4 who wants to use an umbrella in a crowd should have to do a course.
When the app is running smoothly, no one acknowledges the developers. But when it glitches for two seconds, suddenly we’re the most popular guys in the building.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
Notice Dave Grohl is trending…..quickly check to make sure he’s not dead……then realize his wife will take care of that part
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames