Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.

If completely vanishing from people’s lives is “ghosting” them, then only talking to people once a month should be called “werewolfing.”

People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.

7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.

[doing crossword]

Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: never

Me: pistol; three letters
Wife: gun

Me: disgust; three letters
Wife: ugh

Me: charity; four letters
Wife: give

Me: female sheep; three letters
Wife: ewe

Me: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up

Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.

Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?

Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!

Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…

Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.

If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.

[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first

Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?

Me: It’s a fake.

Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?

Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…

Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”

WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.

ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.

“You are what you eat.”

I’m about 90% burrito.

[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!

Me: What’s your favourite book?

Her: Well, I love 1984

Me: Ok, but just choose one.

*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*

The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout

I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.

Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth

Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.

I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…

NEVER. AGAIN.

[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark

😂😂😂

I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.

Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.

Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song

Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality

I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.

Home alone tonight

The fridge is making weird noises

I think the beer wants out….

I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.

Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.

Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’

Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.