Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
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British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
Somebody call the cops.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?