Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
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ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
Me: Clean your room.
Daughter: Won’t
Me: Do your homework.
Daughter: Can’t
Me: I’m taking your phone then.
Daughter: DON’T16 years later & the contractions are still coming every 10 seconds
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
Watching my roommate mow the grass and pretending I’m at a fancy hotel. Saying things like “they do a beautiful job here”
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
*toweling off sweat from my brow, slamming a Gatorade, deep breath*
“Thank you for holding, were you able to turn it off and back on again?”
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
Schrodinger’s Immigrant: A person who is simultaneously too lazy to work, but is also stealing your job.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.