Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I lost twelve followers today.

Wife: On Twitter?

Me: In the woods.

Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!

The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.

Me: I like naughty girls

Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*

Me: Not you

People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?

Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”

I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:

‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’

If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?

Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.

*waters flowers*
*flowers die*

*sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*

We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends

My 7yo asked “why doesn’t mommy eat ice cream?” And my husband and I laughed and laughed and laughed because every night after the kids go to sleep I eat a giant mug full of ice cream.

This was the very first time she’s appeared to be impressed by me.

one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain

Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.

looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.

The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there

Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?

Only in case of fire?

Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.

My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.

Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking

My true love: no don’t

Me: what? Why not?

My true love: just trust me

Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president

[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house

Always a metermaid never a meter

😐

I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.

i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress

I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.

A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.

did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”

I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.

Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.