Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?

I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.

911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now

ME: wow your correct

FRIEND: *you’re

ME: -ions are presumptuous

i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction

Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.

Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”

Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”

Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds

I met my wife on Tinder.!

*After 4 months of marriage

4-year-old: Dad?

Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.

4:

Me:

4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?

Now I’m awake.

the toddler refers to every baby as Baby [Name], like Baby is their formal title

My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.

My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery

Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot

Me and kiddo listening to music in car:

In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶

Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover

*20 min later at the grocery store*

Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?

Stranger:😳

Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.

Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.

If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car

Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.

Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.

Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.

Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.

gonna boost my morale by cracking jokes in front of my juniors

My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.

At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.

I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum

Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?

sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance

Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.

The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.

Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.

The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.

“We know, dear.”

I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.